Drunk driving

No license

While you got babies in withering chrisis

Yours and his instability is timeless

6 yrs old

She says maybe if I’d been nicer I wouldn’t feel so cold

6 yrs old

She says to me aunty maybe I need to learn to let things go

And 6 yr old me yes she knows

I’m supposed to know how to love you
But I haven’t calculated how even to hug you
Used to do anything to protect me, braid my hair, told me I’d undoubtedly learn to ride that bike
Now I can’t look at you for more than a second without knowing what a disgrace to you I seem like
Here if I wipe the dirt from my face
Now can you see at least a little of beauty’s trace
Take a scalpel to my heart
Promise there’s one part
At least just one papa that you could possibly hold
I swear there’s blood in these veins not fully ran cold

Why do my eyes read nothingness to you
Maybe it’s the resentment that have for being 11 and having to hold you
Maybe I didn’t pay attention to how to do dishes right
because I couldn’t forget how you pulled at my clothes so tight
Begged me to bring her back
I froze my tears for you now I can’t get them back

I’m supposed to be the one who gives all this love when I can’t recall how it tastes
But I have to hurry now faced with you soon being nothing but ashes in a vase
You’re sick and you’re leaving
I’m digging through myself for all of these reasons
Contemplating maybe my eyes are her eyes
Maybe that’s what leads to your despise
Maybe my mouth speaks words that are her words
The ones that make you cry when you question the sky and watch the birds

Ma in the heavens pay no attention to what’s on paper
That part of me yes I also hate her
When you left so did daddy
I tried to keep all the pieces in place but he reminds me daily how I did so badly
Ever since my arms have reached for someone to intertwine these fingers
Have to slaughter demons so remanants of mom will linger
Crazy how she’s the one to have passed on
But the longing for you bleeds so hard you might as well as be gone

I remember literally wiping my face
After you spit worthless not leaving a trace
of remorse
Now that you’re going I’m left to calculate the source
Of this mother I’m supposed to be
But there’s still this mother I still need to see
Oh and never forgot the way you smelled ma
Like coconuts and pretty light nights in the fall ma
Dad can’t listen to anymore drunken plans
of how to you could so easily crash your speeding bike into a parked van

Don’t hug me
Now you only wear the face from that night you almost struck me
Possibly I should feel lucky
Your eyes screamed at me that you totally could have
At 14 dad I wish you would have

This house is so broken

Can’t catch my breath no one can relieve me from this choking

Can’t do this

So helpless

Don’t touch me

You can never heal all this ugly

Going white are your knuckles

Now I’m only capable to chuckle

Keep drinking

You’re leaving

I love you

Same 3 words sting me too

Daddy stop asking me to save you

Struggling to not remember all the ledges I can jump to

Don’t wish to continue to write about my pain

All in all equals out quite lame

Once you hear enough everyone’s hurt ends up sounding all the same

So to persue seems actually quite vain

But I’ve learned I’m quite self centered

Baby I’m sorry plug your ears to my lack of censor

The thought of your kisses

make me sick please dismiss this

I refuse to let anyone ever again be responsible

For everything that escaped that room at the hospital

You craddle my hand so sweetly

I appreciate your loving so deeply

Can’t have you see me completely

Shattered quite pathetic

God is the only adequate medic

Stubborness won’t let me place the emergency call

Guess it’s inevitable having lost a lot of blood see the masterpieces on the wall

Baby you king
Yes pops send you lots of loving
Ma can’t wait till I go so once more I can hear you sing.

Pretending for seconds
my existence
is worthy of a little justice

When they lay their judgment to smother my face
They never know what I was choked with the color of the lace
Or there are those who choose simply not to revisit those days
The ones they know damn well marked the price of what I’ve paid

Was sheltered and only knew smiles
You weren’t there when my mother’s eyes lost life empty for miles
You know nothing of daddy pouring his tears into my hands
At 11 homework and stopping tears were the demands

You never knew the love I was held with how I put someone to their knees
Loved so hard felt like it was a disease
You never heard my screams when I couldn’t fight him off anymore
The regret for letting my baby sister see what was behind that door

I don’t got it worse than nobody would never claim it
But you swallow whatever you had to say to me
because trust me I’ve been tasting it

The wiser you get the weirder you seem.   

Dinner’s ready daddy
Dishes done, ironed clothes
All done smiling gladly
Cook wearing nothing
For you dirty madly
My inner housewife can’t help herself sadly

The date is what
With you time I just can’t touch
2 weeks day in day out is barely enough
Come here I’ll hold your head even though those last few words were tough
Break up
What’ll it be like when we wake up
Can’t rid my heart of the taste of the happiness yours seems to be made of
There go the chills
Reminded of the orgasmic thrills
Time to make up
Thrown down back face up

Nostalgic for your lips on this mess
Your face breathing on my chest
Your smile meets my pupils can never remember the rest

I’ve witnessed our happiness play the role of a thousand pound weight
Act all innocent like everythings straight
Seen the butterflies flutter behind our eyes
masked in present joy disguise
Boyfriend girlfriend on wings choreographing our demise
The tears pretend to be the perfect size
To let you go is for us to realize
Silent promises have us by the neck under the surface
We’re intellectual accepting the pain because we know it’s worth it
Fast forward, official enough to reverse it
Sit down, sigh deep
Tonight no we won’t sleep
Third in a row
How’d we let emotions are run the show
I know your pulse is hurting
We’re learning
All the laughter birthed the ugly yearning
Stay sitting chest still whirring
You understand, I do okay me too
Tackle then giggle forward is the only way we move
Undeniably king boo 

Rib cage opens
Kisses blown frozen
Eyes up can no longer see past the clouds
holding Your hand never knew doubt
The frame framing life fit nowhere
now blind to what hangs anywhere
and what lays everywhere
hearts ill knowledged in how to care
him wrapped up in my hair
Hate all this grey I swear
I was never supposed to be there
just thought it was nice to share
Who even let me climb these stairs
Stuck on the crystals in Your rain left to stare
no complaints it’s all fair
closed emotions stored like Tupperware

Betrayal in every direction
You’ve offered every gentle and pain filled correction
always sorry
Constant yelling come to find it was Your army
my heart tries to take flight to your hands
but its wings tied by these black rubber bands
Been trying to fill my lungs all the way
but I did lead, was lead astray
Terrified of your house
The smiles with the rugs I’ve laid
her voice kissing every wall ive made
maybe you’ll tell me I’m okay
Then I’ll bleed harder for the wounds I’ve made
Maybe I’ll find the shame I should’ve brought in my purse
maybe I’ll finally see all the thinking I should’ve done first

See these hands you’ve let me touch before
Shown me the hell behind this door
facing me I hear his whispers
their request I can’t deliver

Laying
I’m paying
With time
potential to swim devine
arms touching
I’m loving
this shadowed sparkling tornado
Wish to keep this world made out of play dough
It’s raining I’m pouring
1am he’s snoring
Pathetic these lights that never turn on
Sad to still be here will I ever be gone

skipping
Tripping
Maybe I’m flipping
nothing is sticking
His clock is ticking
I’m lazy still wishing
It wasn’t the same shit I’m always dishing
vomit on my tongue still swishing
waving at everything I’m missing
Once a star pupil
someday it’ll be me he’s dismissing

Too many sleepless nights
determined to do this right
sit down spit out the gum
you’re having too much fun
bruised knuckle
time out major fumble
all this freestyling doesn’t matter
regardless expression still climbing these ladders
It’s at max and burned
because boss upstairs knows I haven’t earned
ponder what color to paint my nails
consecutively please don’t send him back jail
Maintain composure
She accidentally whisperfed before she claimed final closure
Momma always told you pain ain’t no thang
So kick puddles in this rain
dance in its solemness
Lick potential contentedness
Sunrise meets my eyes
Realize
My unintentional direct demise
come here, get away
I have to leave, this bed makes me stay
contemplation
a twisted damnation
aim to make sob stories short
Naked no jersey
First need to learn how to even play this sport

Needing more words for empty
Looking at you there’s a terrifying sense of safety
Night number 87 your snores support spilled words
I’m so sickly from this anxiety but fight to make sure it goes unheard
See I’ve gotten lost in a world of unforgivable
There’s so much shame makes this wrapping barbed wire just barely livable

Georgey I’m so sorry for it all right to the end
Even now I still know you were a God-send
When daddy forgot how to love me
You jumped in and saved me
I remember your eyes when that darkness came and swooped you
I can’t forget the phone calls of the lifeless body you almost succumbed to
Then there was that monster who stole me right from our own vows
Tweaked truths that I cried about to you 
Pushing your head further down
Pathetic story of lost little girl just wanting to be found
I left you dying with no air
Body withering told you there’s gotta be water somewhere
Thank you for being man enough to hold me through all the anxiety attacks
Thank you for not hating me for not ever trying to pay it back
Thank you for figuring out how to look at my face when one day you were the end the next I begged you to not leave me crawling in this place
Then we almost had that baby
And then I told you I loved you kind of him maybe
It all makes me wish I could sever a limb
To irradicate every word that ever
came from him
You lost consciousness when you heard how he trapped me
Removed the clothes over and over again gladly
You squeezed me quivering
Endless kisses delivering
For 2 more weeks we went back to our utopia
I didn’t see that I couldn’t stay long these last 2 yrs I’d broken you

You loved me to an unhealthy degree
I’m so grateful but so disgusted you see
I can’t be held and not get scared
Still never had my own foundation independence impaired
The sex and the promises
become tasteless and dominant

Craving for that love
And he’s the best of the best but no one can save me from the depth of the holes I’ve dug
Talking of walking
Down an aisle
is miles
From what I now know I can do
So sorry I had to learn from almost killing you
I’m on a mission to slaughter
that girl that crying forgotten daughter
Vengeance for your soul
Life breathing deep my goal

Won’t do this to him
These tears test the brim
of my line of crazy
Smarts up won’t let my heart be anyone’s baby
Words he shouldn’t read
Too much already for the devil to feed

Lips meet skin
Fingers bloody climbing trying not to give in
What are these bricks stacked encasing my heart
Why’s all this air in my lungs beginning to depart
Time to back space, delete, exit, restart.

Music is like space filled with oceans
Each star an artist with infinite minutes of devotion

Come to see where parents fall short forces kids to either make up for or find somwhere else.

Effortlessly he paves smiles for miles

Regardless my trials

His enchantment fills vials

Appreciative of his swag so on point with his style

I’ve gathered he’s sagacious with laying tile

Now on the cement of my whittled percentile

Of my uncredible set of love files

Midde hug index he’s here for more than awhile.

He is too many things that I definitely did not see coming
The smallest of gestures get my heart straight thumping
I didn’t know his vibrancy was a choice
Unaware his everything was simply in existence, madly in like with his mind’s voice
This poem will be highly inadequate
One of many times I’ll think these words are it
To summarize the butterflies
His smile is puppetier, strings tied to my cheeks, demanding smiles
I stumble drunken off joy looking for composure left looking like a child
He found me hands tied, once skipping, started to trip
His words flowed, kissed my ears,
I knew it was time
Inside pure gorgeous chaos, his offer was one I couldn’t decline
At times I hold the ruler, write on the chalk board and write suspension slips
There are times I take front desk, try to keep up, get told to zip my
Damn lips Hope flies around like morning birds I got shown I’m quite the introvert Sorry baby swear I never used to be this way
You caught me after a few hundred rainy days
For the record my crazy’s got a category now just for you
You’re a little too lovely to run to
Your kisses on the forehead kiss scars you don’t see
My heart tiptoes around yours because being what you deserve isn’t guaranteed Your sleeping exhales soothe my instabilities even for just that moment
What you’re worthy of I’m scared I’ve already spent
But thank you for standing solely near while I gather these missing parts
For a thousand more smiles, and some bandages to two scratched up hearts, as far as I can see you and I are the best of starts
You have an essence that I know holds an untainted happiness
This height is further than I can see, a lot of fog, you’re worth the fear, you irradicate miles of sadness
I need to always hear it’s okay, unquestionably need that hope
Like asking you to move a mountain with a shovel but I’m convinced you could pull one with simply a rope
I’m deserts worth of brokeness, valleys full of sadness, and barrels full of darkness But I’ve fallen under the aspiration you hold the ability and willingness to handle this
I aim to press my lips to all your old boo boos
Store them away, let you treasure their worth just like your old shoes
Baby you’re top of the top
At the end of my path of insecurity like a road block
Unintentionally you do what you do
Undoubtedly, a treasured absolute I am so damn lucky to even know you.

Blisters from holding this enormous shovel decently burying the anxiety,
Habits slip up unknowingly and I can’t recall how many times I repeat this brutally,
It’s raw and tearing, scratching and often blaring,
I’m shoving, pushing, climbing walls running away from caring,
It keeps kissing me, its weight slowing the function of my diaphram,
I keep sinning and refusal keeps impaling my brain, infiltrating like the 1000 messages in my spam,
Certainly feels quite devilish and the relief certainly seems under Godliness.

Been needing to write for a little too long, I hope what’s been lurking will expose herself and show that inappropriate, devilish, dainty thong,
Control, I need to have it,
Your composure I can’t let give it,
My neurological vocals are deteriorating,
The warnings are wailed, released, stop waiting,
There’s a shame that’ll take me by the face when it happens,
There’ll be a day you’ll have to pry my hands from your heart,
Unclench the fist balled around your arteries,
I’m manifesting and maintaining walls as fast as I can but baby please,
I can’t get trapped again,
Refuse to touch the bars of your caressing sentencing,
I need to pull myself together,
Once upon a time I got lost and still am not found, this to hold you can never,
See when you sleep and I kiss you, you breathe like you’re finally not drowning anymore,
It gives me a purpose that my shaking hands fear to touch anymore, 
I wonder if my crazy is yet evident,
Is her permiscuous lace sitting on top those two little indents,
Either run or stand infallible,
But you’re human, inevitably part of you will be intangible.

So many silly things you do that got me hooked,

I wonder what it all is that’s got my all my walls shook,

Maybe it’s your intellectuality that challenges mine,

Maybe it’s the way you walk with such a swagg that makes you so fine,

Your anger seems so justified to me,

It seems always a sure thing you’ll know if your words were unsayworthy,

This little dependence disorder makes it so you’re walking on the border,

You stand around all my insecurities but for you it’s okay to loiter,

More than anything your words plaster unrelenting smiles,

Looking at you makes me twistedly excited for every trial.

Whoops, feelin empty wasn’t my intentions,
I thought the surface fulfillments would be sufficient prevention,
The small things you let yourself do that aren’t really right, but they’re not really incorrect,
Those link hands, pile up, and grow more monstrous than any of the skeletons in your closet,
I’m hoping that writing to meaningless music will make my thoughts seem higher on the pyramid,
Maybe the pointless repetition will drown out the repeating, booming competition escaping through lid,
Of what I know how to cope with,
In the beginning with one heart, I had been running off my pent up self discipline,
My aspiration and vision were vivid, when I spoke one had to be listening,
Now I’m scrambling, tossing around the files of my few accomplishments, looking for my foundation,
I really need to push you further because it’d be too damn story book easy to make you savior of my loss for ambition,
I wish I could ask you, please stay sturdy, you fight the desire to cling on,
This way I have no choice to be smart, that way I can sing you my songs,
And you won’t take them as heart filled lullabyes,
You’ll see there’s so much wrong going on behind these darkened eyes,
That you see as so heavenly, to you hold an aspect of beauty,
I wish my endorphines would come back, I currently don’t possess them, I know God stole them,
But that’s fine because He rightfully owns them, I haven’t done a thing to have earned them,
Selfishly I want them back without having to get right with myself,
I’m gonna wrap this up, put it on my collapsing spews-of-nonsense shelf,
Father, I promise I’ll learn to listen,
I really do get right from wrong, my heart’s just a little bit twisted.

It’s true what I said about myself, I’m just a lazy philosopher,
Maybe if I didn’t share my smart and bits of my heart, the boys would be softer,
Inwardly dwells this core of myself that’s truly a brat, grown into this bitch,
If you want me, you take her, so you better be lovingly, sweetly, authoratively rich.
Ha, ha, oh I forgot she’s better, with what, you ain’t even sure,
I wonder when you’ll see, mending your heart with someone else’s, anyone else’s will forever only be an instant cure.
Baby you’re beautiful, muah mammi, you have my heart, you’re the best, is she?
I know the lies you’re spewing so she’ll never flee,
Is this making this better, is your heart actually mending,
I need you to be real and baby stop pretending,
She won’t fix anything, except the release of sexual tension,
You’re gonna be daddy, center of her universe, when you leave you’ll also be her apocolypse,
Not to mention.

Currently maturity has me at a loss of security, in depthly you’re terrifying, if only you knew the reasons that were underlying. Stopping is what I should be doing, but time with you I deeply resent losing. Slow down, because I can’t take the thought of this wonder possibly being able to drown. I need more to wrap my hands around, remember the millions of things my mind and soul have found. I need to be standing on more than this cloud of wonderment, I need to stop lending my heart out for rent. Yes, the dues I know you can pay, but the day I ask you to start paying mortgage I don’t know if you’ll stay. Enough of this crazy, antsy, unsurity, just make sure to keep everything horribly honest so I can maintain clarity.    

Trying to maintain homeostasis,
While my mind’s in all of these places,
Seeing so much in the eyes of everyone’s faces.
Make it change, make the chemicals altercation a possibility
Fighting for emotional royalty,
All the while battling a mental frailty,
He’s there and he’s there,
Solved it is, but my mindset has a left and right tear,
It’s all good now, and I thank God, I swear,
The lair of my mind is concocting some sort of conflict,
I can’t tell if it’s justified and depict,
Of the peace that hasn’t been known in this mental district,
Help me, help him, help me to help them,
I want to rewind, just one more time again,
Grow up, hold tight,
Prove to the hierarchy I’m capable to do it right,
Cradle his pain, guide her down the train tracks,
Be the escape goat for his unreleased ventilations, trail him from that substance conjunction,
Make her proud, and all the while make sure the neurological station can function,
I want the thoughts to cease fire, so my body can tip toe on the wire,
Of sleep, I want the shaking to stop,
I want the shortness of breath to vanquish,
Throw me a revival from faintness,
Tell me all the mental shots haven’t been wasted,
Breathe in, breathe out, I hope no one copies and pastes this.